We’ve all been there (in today’s world, many of us get there every day)…something happens and you find yourself ready to explode.
As defined by the American Psychological Association, “anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something that you feel has deliberately done you wrong.”
While many of us have been socialized to consider anger to be “bad”
and a feeling that we may shy away from or stifle, anger serves important purposes.
For example, anger alerts you that a boundary has been crossed or that something is unfair or harmful. Anger can be motivating to take action to stand up for yourself or others, to seek justice, and to demand change.
That may sound all well and good on paper, but in the moment when you feel like you’re going to lose it, how can you use your anger to your benefit?
Biologically, anger causes physical changes to prepare the body to go into fight or flight. Next time you’re feeling angry, notice that you may feel like you can lift a car or punch through a wall—anger carries a lot of energy.
The key is to shift mental states from straight up enraged to re-centered using the wave of energy anger provides so you can tackle whatever has enraged you productively.
Step 1: Vent your anger!
Venting will cause changes in your body chemistry that will enable you to re-center, to stop operating from your reptilian brain and get back to operating from your executive functioning part of your brain (cerebral cortex), so you can focus and productively approach whatever you are facing.
There are many different ways to do this safely and effectively. Here are some examples:
Exercise 1: Tape up an empty shipping box, put it on top of a cushion or a carpeted floor, take a hammer, smash the shit out of it while saying (or yelling) what you really want to say. Feel your power. Say exactly what you’re thinking. You are doing this for you. Let it rip. When I do this, I use as many cuss words as I can because often times, that will make me laugh (an instant state change). Listen to your mind/body/soul and stop when it feels complete. Word of warning…I have done this so intensively that I have had aching arms the next day—it was 100% worth it.
Exercise 2: If you have a backyard with a solid fence or wall, fill up water balloons and then standing a safe distance away, throw the balloons at the wall or fence as hard as you can, while saying whatever you want to say. (Be sure to stand a safe distance away—the first time I did this, I was too close, the first balloon exploded giving me an unexpected shower which made me even madder!). Throw all of your balloons and then reassess. Was that enough? Do you need to fill up more? Do you feel calmer?
Exercise 3: If you like to write, use paper and pen (the physical act of writing is most effective) and rage on the page. Again, say exactly what you want to say because this is only for you. You can write in huge letters, you can write so hard that the pen tears the page, you are releasing your rage. Write until you feel yourself start to calm down. You can take this further by then tearing up or safely burning the pages you wrote—releasing it all to the universe.
Exercise 4: If you have someone you really trust and who you know can handle true venting, find a time to get together in private and vent to them. Be sure to tell them before you start that you are venting, that you are not asking them to solve anything, that you just need them to listen and to validate your feelings. Make it clear that you will howl at the moon and may say over the top things. You may find that in doing so, you both will end up laughing. You will instinctively know when you are done and you will feel your body start to calm.
There are many other ways to safely vent anger—get creative! It may take some experimenting with different methods to figure out what is most efficient and effective for you.
Step 2: Give yourself comfort
When you finish the physical act of releasing anger, take a few minutes to tune into your body and to slow your breathing and re-center.
Before you go back to whatever you need to deal with next, give yourself some kind of comfort. This could be a favorite thing to eat or a favorite non-alcoholic drink, a nap, wrapping up in blanket, taking a bath, giving a loved one a hug, snuggling with a beloved pet, watching a funny video or show, taking a short walk around an office or outside, etc.
Step 3: Reassess
After releasing anger, re-centering and giving yourself comfort, ask yourself if you are ready to deal with whatever caused your rage. You will know when you’re ready to face it again.
If you are not yet ready, if you have the ability to take a break, do it. If you have to get back to work or other tasks, start with really easy ones, things you can accomplish without taxing yourself. The purpose of this is to give your brain/mind/body/soul the satisfaction of being able to cross things off your list (no matter how innocuous they may seem). Productivity begets productivity, and with a little time, you will find you’re in a better place to address whatever enraged you.
Step 4: Tackle what you need to tackle
By completing this process…venting, brief re-centering, comfort, time to let it all sink in…you will find that you will be better able to face what enraged you with increased calm and a clearer perspective. You will be better able to advocate for yourself and others effectively and work towards the outcome you desire.
Give this a try and please comment with your results, insights, questions.